To Pre - Nup or Not To Pre - Nup

Are pre-nuptial agreements a good idea before you wed, or do they just cause resentment and distrust for the lucky couple? (Click by Lavalife)

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It’s a sensitive topic, right up there with exes, religion and hybrid cars.

If you're thinking about a long-term commitment, should you sign something so your partner doesn't wind up with your family heirlooms and half of your cat?

Along with vetting your date through Google, testing for STDs, and finding out if your partner believes the Mayans were descended from an alien race, the pre-nup has become one of the cornerstones of modern romance.



Settlements of the Rich & Weird


Things might be hunky-dory in the honeymoon stage, but we've all heard enough stories of true love gone awry to know that one day the pheremonal rush wears off, replaced by a loathing for the way the person you live with brushes their teeth.


"If I had money and the person I was dating didn't -- say, I was dating a musician -- I would definitely want a pre-nup," says Carla B. Still in her 20s, the blonde immigration officer says she would demand a pre-nup if either party had considerably more assets than the other, particularly if someone's assets included "old money" -- that is, sizable family coffers dating back to dear old ancestors.


"It's different if you make it while you're together, but if it goes back in the family, that's something else," she says.


Carla said her biggest fear is ending up like her friend, who dated a millionaire, had two kids with him and became a stay-at-home mom. Now, she lives in a basement apartment with an eight and a 10-year-old.


Another Karla, Karla V., has hooked up with a younger man who came into some money as the result of a settlement following a motorcycle accident. Four months after starting to see each other, he was suggesting marriage. "I said it was a little soon," she says. She was the one who brought up the subject of the pre-nup. "I started seeing him before I knew about the money," she says. "He didn't want to sign one. He said, 'What's mine is yours.'"


Why sign at all? As Carla with a C points out, it's easier than ever to meet someone, thanks to the Internet, which was in fact invented by divorce lawyers (OK, we're making that up. But think about it). Long-term commitments are more daunting then ever.


Jessica D., a West Coast concert promoter, believes in pre-nups, particularly if they hold a step-out clause. That is, if the partner is stepping out (read: getting sex on the side), there should be some financial reckoning. "If you step out, buck up, baby," says Jessica. It could make the stepper-outer think twice -- but then, if only money is holding back the partner, how healthy can the relationship be?


Financial protection is only one reason to sign a pre-nup. Done right, the document can, believe it or not, be a way to further cement your lurv.


Discussing a pre-nup gets the issue of finances out in the open. Curtis wed his wife a decade ago to prevent her deportation back to her native Australia. When he did, he was made financially responsible for her for 10 years.


Despite some small debts, the kind you incur while in your 20s (student loans, maxing out your credit cards to make experimental art films), the two have done well -- they're still together, thanks in no small part to the fact that finances have been on the table since the very beginning. "That's the number one thing couples argue about," said Curtis. "It's the elephant in the room."


Dave S. points out drawing up a pre-nup is a chance to be generous. "It's a chance to say 'Here, this is what I think you deserve for putting up with my hockey-loving friends.'"

Dave, who goes out of his way to be generous, is nevertheless reluctant to marry his girlfriend because he doesn't want to be responsible for the considerable debt she racked up before they met.


Which brings up another point -- the psychology of the individual. How is your partner when it comes to money? Do they pinch their pennies and keep a running mental (or physical) tab on who owes what? Are they always threatening lawsuits for a burnt falafel? If they spill coffee on themselves are they ready to start a class-action suit against Starbucks? Do they have friends who are lawyers? If so, you might want to think about drawing something up even before the dinner bill arrives on the first date.


But if they're reckless with their money, if they think nothing of throwing money away on frivolous things, they might be less likely to be mercenary when it comes to getting something out of the relationship financially. These are people who don't spend a lot of time thinking about money, and unless they have friends who do, they are likely to just want to cut their losses rather than engage in an extended battle for compensation.


Settlements of the Rich & Weird

The pre-nup is also a way to establish "net worth" (as opposed to "you-have-eyes-like-limpid-pools" worth). That way you know where each other stands, money-wise. And it's better to sign something when you still like each other, and are more likely to be fair and generous.


If you're going to feel good about it, the process shouldn't be adversarial. "It's not, 'What can I get if things go wrong?'" says Shae Irving, co-author of Prenuptial Agreements: How to Write a Fair and Lasting Contract (as quoted in a CNN article). "It's a way to build trust (because) you're talking right up front about what's important to you."


The downside, of course, is that it's not very romantic. It could be taken as a sign of something other than 100 per cent devotion and faith. And that's why you need to be careful as to when and how you bring it up.


"The sooner the better," says Carla B. "I'd want to know right before I moved in." What about, say, five months and three weeks after moving in the guy wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, 'Hey, can you sign this? It's nothing, really, just some paperwork I had my lawyer draw up'?"


"No," she said. "I don't think that would be a good idea."

Originally published by: Click by Lavalife